Wrestling in My Heart

“I see the heart that God has given you.”

I had someone say these words to me this week. Can I tell you how powerful these words were? At the same time, they were a bit scary. Such a simple statement, yet it carried a weight that both inspired and unsettled me.

These words were meant to be an encouragement. They were spoken after I shared some of God’s Word with a group of people.

The heart is more deceitful than all else
And is desperately sick;
Who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9, NASB

When I consider this scripture, that compliment makes me a little uneasy.

Even sharing with you that I received this compliment makes me uneasy.

Let’s be honest: the heart loves to hide bits of pride, lust, and deceit. We live in a world that crowds out Truth with all the noise of our culture.

For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.

1 John 2:16, NASB

So, what did this person see in my heart?

Did he see my sincere desire to share God’s Word, to help others know and love the Lord?

Or did he see how my heart quickened when the words I shared were well-received? Did he see the pride hidden in the dark parts of my heart when I felt the warmth of a “job well done”? Did he sense the moments when my humility slipped away?

It’s slippery, isn’t it?

On the one hand, we want to work as unto the Lord.

On the other hand, we want those compliments. We like the feeling and satisfaction pride creates (even if we don’t like the pride itself).

(Please, tell me I’m not the only one who wrestles with this.)

As I’m reading the Bible chronologically this year, I just read in Luke where Jesus encounters the woman at the well. This account is so powerful. He “sees her heart.” He sees the sin, the multiple men she’s been with. He sees her past.

This account is amazing though. Because Jesus knows this woman’s heart, he also sees her receive his words and accept him as her Messiah.

How strange! How complex our hearts are!

I sit here thankful, and I sit here broken.
My heart is full of joy, and my heart feels the need to repent.
My heart is so thankful for Jesus’ work on the cross, and it is so anguished over my sin that put him there.

And there we have it…at the foot of the cross…

Today, someone may see the pure joy in my heart, and tomorrow, someone may see the ugliness that seeps out from sin. Either way, at the foot of the cross, I can fall on my knees and worship a Savior who knows and sees all of these complexities. He is there to restore and wash my heart clean, if I will only fall on my knees before Him.

The best part…He loves me regardless! Despite my shortcomings and the constant battle within my heart, His love remains unwavering. It is a love that embraces us in our brokenness, forgives us in our repentance, and calls us to a deeper, more transformative relationship with Him.

So, let us continue down this path of becoming more like Jesus. Let us embrace our vulnerabilities, seek the presence of God, and open ourselves to the grace He offers.



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One response to “Wrestling in My Heart”

  1. Debs Avatar

    Sometimes your posts hit hard. This is one. I have had a really difficult week. I am working 12 hours on and 12 hours off everyday through Sunday. Things have not been going well at all. People are upset, the hours are overlapping, and everyone is tired and frustrated. A few times I lost my temper. A few times I lectured the team when I knew they were already feeling bad. But last night during a large meeting, a stakeholder called out that the new support process I introduced was the one good thing in this whole situation. I really latched on to that! I wanted to tell everyone “see what I did, what would have happened without my process, without me”. I never said it, but it was in my heart. And now I have been reminded that Jesus knows my heart. I am ashamed that he knows what I have been thinking and feeling all week. Not just with that one comment. I think I will go and pray and give thanks for Jesus’ forgiving love that is beyond all my understanding. How wonderful it is to know that even when I am at my worst God doesn’t turn away and I can ask for help to do better and ask for forgiveness and he listens. And tonight when my teams do the hand off of work to India, I will remember to thank them for working so hard and that they are why our new support process is working so well for our stakeholders (which of course is true). And I will remind myself that Jesus knows my heart and loves me anyway.

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